dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
