i think my tv is drunk
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
