the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
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