Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
