Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
