I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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