before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
