wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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