I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
