How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
