Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
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You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
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There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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