I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
