I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
