My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
