The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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