Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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