I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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