I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
we're so committed to being not committed
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize