I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
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dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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