he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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