So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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