I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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