It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
