now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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