She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Randomize
