God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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