Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
