when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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