i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
