when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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