Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize