Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
