I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
