im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
