we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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