Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
