I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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