If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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