my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
