I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
