My liver just broke up with me...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
