I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
