I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
