census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
