My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
