We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
