Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
