He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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