I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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