I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
