So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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