A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
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When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You dont lie about slip and slides
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Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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