everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We had to coat check the pizza.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
