I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
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The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
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For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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